Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hadley's Letter to Her Breeder

Dear Auntie Judy,

Remember the day you were getting me ready to leave your farm?  You gave me a bath and told me that you'd found wonderful parents for me who would love me and take care of me and that I'd be very happy.

Well, it's been over a year and I wanted to write and tell you how it's going.  Some stuff is good.  There's always fresh water and soft places to rest.  Mommy and daddy bought me a whole bunch of toys and bones and there's lots of cuddling.  But some stuff I don't really like and some of it is just plain weird!  I mean, I really have to wonder about these two sometimes.  For example:

They named me Hadley, which I think is a pretty cool name, and they spent days teaching me that it was my name.  So, do you think they call me by my name???  Nooooo.....  I hear "mutt" "puppy" "doggy" "mutsky."  And then these two geniuses wonder why I don't come when they call.  Geez!

Right from the start they put this big box filled with newspaper on the floor and they expected me to go potty in it.  Oh, man, you should have seen them go ballistic when I went potty on the floor or the carpet.  You'd have thought I killed someone.  But it took a while for me to understand what they were yammering about.  I mean, I get it now but these two carried on as if I should have been born knowing this stuff!

And they're definitely clean freaks.  I don't really mind getting a bath and it's kinda nice not to have a sticky, itchy butt but I think every week is kind of extreme, don't you?  Plus, why do they gotta try to drown me in there?  If my butt is sticky, I don't know why daddy has to turn the power wash hose on my face.  I can't breath underwater, you know!  And then after they get me all wet, they practically burn me trying to get me dry.  How does that make any sense?  They don't even do a good job.  They must spend like a thousand years drying my ears but don't even bother with my face and feet.  I have to throw myself on the carpet to try to get the water off.  Whatsamatter, run out of towels???

They were so, so happy when I learned how to jump on the sofa and then...mommy immediately ordered me off the sofa.  Huh?  And while we're on the subject of jumping, they keep telling me to jump on the bed, which was hard enough when I was a baby.  But just as I got to be bigger, they went out and bought this new bed that's like 1,000 feet high!  What the hell?  I'm only a foot tall,you know...  So now they just pick me up and put me on the bed but they act all annoyed about it, especially if I jumped off because I had to go potty in my box.  Do they want me to go potty in the bed?

I guess the worst part is the whole food situation.  Daddy keeps saying what a great cook Mommy is but they think I should only eat dog food.  Why?  If they're loving this great food they're eating, why can't I eat it, too?  Mommy went out and bought all these "healthy" dog foods for me to try.  I wasn't really sure what "healthy" meant except that it's obviously a code word for yucky.  You should have seen some of this stuff...the bag it came in would have tasted better.  We finally found one that wasn't too gross and she started putting some cooked hamburger in with it so it wasn't so bad.  Then she took the hamburger away because she said it gave me diarrhea and she switched the food to something that has more "fiber" which I think means "tastes like cardboard."  She's giving me some chicken but it's kinda plain.  I don't get it.  They want me to poop but...not too much?  What's the right amount?

I don't think they get it.  Like...every month mommy gives me this medicine to prevent something called heartworm, which I guess is a bad thing.  The medicine is this big, icky brown mess that she keeps saying is edible.  Hey...that doesn't mean it tastes good, mom!

I'm pretty sure they love me, though.  Mommy tends to watch these TV shows about abused animals and then she cries and hugs me.  And sometimes the two of them start reading this poem to each other about some cat that jumped over a rainbow or ran under a bridge or something and then they both cry and hug me.

There's still a few issues we need to work out like daddy playing this foot attack game and thinking I like it.  And once in a while there's this really big scary shoe that comes out but I just jump in mommy's lap and she protects me from it.

So that's it.  I just wanted to catch you up.  Even though sometimes I think mommy and daddy kind of suck and I want to run away from home and go live with nicer people, I think I'd miss them.  Plus, I can't reach the elevator button.  So I guess I'll just stay here., oh...I just heard daddy say "puppy ride" so I gotta go!

Winter's daughter